April 21, 2008

You know if you win tomorrow, you’re probably going all the way.

That’s right!

Does that mean I can be the first artist-in-residence at the White House?


I want to go to the White House. All I need is a room to paint in. Isn’t there a basement?

Wait, you think you’re going to paint in the White House?

Yes, actually I imagine being in a farmhouse on the grounds, the place where Eleanor kept her lovers. They were probably writers though.

There’s no farmhouse! And she had diverse taste in women. One was a pilot right?

Was that the same era?

[laughs] You need some history. Look, there is no room to paint in. There’s barely enough space for the people I’ll need there.

Oh, c’mon. Look at this matchbox I paint in. I don’t need much space.

What would you paint?

Official portraits.

Oh yeah, like that one. That should go in the foyer. We can hang it so that her vajayjay is about eye-level.

Her what?

Vajayjay. Don't tell me you haven't heard that word before.

Actually that painting would look good next to the one of you touching your vajayjay. I’m going to paint you with a camel-toe next.

No you’re not! Oh my god, do you have a picture?

I have two.

Oh shit. Please don’t. You can’t come to the White House if you do.

You mean I can come to the White House if I don’t paint Hillary with a camel-toe.

This is blackmail! You’re a pain in my ass.

No, I exist to tease and delight you. I swear. That’s my only mission.

Are you going to paint it?!

No, I have better ideas.

Can’t wait.

What about this one, the “official” White House portrait? I’m almost finished.

You’ve changed it, haven’t you?

I took off the jewels because I’m using the naked face.

Oh, the naked face, again.

Stop being sarcastic. It’s a great face and works well here. Would you hang that in the foyer?

No, it would scare people, except maybe the Chinese.

Is that a compliment?

I don’t know. #